The Vice President of the Playroom

How one father deepened his connection with his young daughter.

In one of my early parent education groups, there was a wonderful father named Jack, a successful executive in his mid-thirties with very highly developed management skills. When he and his wife joined the group, their daughter Kristen was in preschool. Jack came because he was a caring, loving, interested parent who wanted to be there for his daughter—and because his wife insisted. At home, Jack noticed that mother and daughter seemed to connect in a language of their own. He was a little in awe of the special, almost magical relationship they seemed to have. He was pleased to see that connection, but it did leave him feeling a little like the odd man out.

One of the most enduring insights of Carolyn Webster-Stratton’s The Incredible Years is that she begins with a unit on how to play with your child. My husband—and, I suspect, most of the fathers I dealt with in those days—thought it seemed like an odd choice. After all, don’t we go to parent education courses to learn to fix problems, deal with misbehavior and enforce discipline? Isn’t play a little touchy-feely when we have obstinate and incomprehensible children to set straight? Nevertheless, I taught those first two sessions on play, and Jack, who was nothing if not a disciplined learner, absorbed the lessons and went home to do his homework playing with Kristen. He learned to follow her lead and to appreciate her pacing and to use descriptive comments in place of intrusive questions. And he came to the group at the beginning of the third week just floating on air.

“We had such a great time,” he said as he described their play together. “She laughed and giggled and played happily until dinner time, at which point she threw her arms around my neck and said, ‘Daddy, I love you.’” Then he added, “Until now, those words have been reserved exclusively for her mother.” 

Kristen is now a junior in high school. She and her dad have a deep and vital bond. And, of course, she and her mother still have their own special relationship.

Play is a natural and wonderful way for fathers to connect with their young children. Jack's relationship deepened with his daughter as he learned how to talk with her and to follow her cues.  And she rewarded him in kind with some of the good stuff that had been reserved exclusively for her mother.

When we play with children, we are entering into their private world. It is a gift to be invited to participate. Play is a rich way to build up a bank of good will. Eventually, all parents will need to draw down on these savings when it comes time to set limits or discipline their child.